Spokeo Blog

How To Erase Your Online Identity and Start Over

Written by August 26, 2010

Experts have been giving serious consideration to the deleterious impact of social media, and by extension, youthful indiscretions, upon privacy and our futures. After careful study they now offer some sage advice on how to avert an inglorious past and reinvent oneself.

To start, they suggest – and this is very important — you should never make any mistakes. That’s right – this is an absolute must.  Certainly this can be very hard for some. Therefore the surefire way to ensure that never happens is to simply skip puberty and one’s twenties altogether. Just go straight from 5th grade to being an accountant. This virtually guarantees less alcohol intake, less sex, drugs, and rock and roll — and as we all know, leading a fun-free life and reducing one’s stupidity factor are virtually synonymous. (Not to mention how much money you’ll save not having to get all those tattoos removed when you sober up.)

If it is too late, however, and your drunken indiscretions are already posted all over Facebook for posterity, the next fail-safe step is to simply change your name. (There’s lots of legal advice and how-to videos on YouTube to help you with this.) If that fails, reconstructive surgery and entry into the witness protection program offer the best chance of success.  Please watch the videos below for greater insight.

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Word – Control-Self-Delete


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