Almost everyone’s been in relationship limbo at least once, when you don’t know whether you and the person you’ve been dating are actually partners and exclusive. That’s a pretty common situation when you first start dating someone, but it can go on for much longer than you expected. It turns out that there’s a name for that limbo: It’s a situationship. If that name sounds very vague, that’s the point because situationships themselves tend to have vague boundaries.
Situationships can be appropriate in some circumstances, and it’s not unusual to meet someone who prefers them over committed relationships. But if you’re looking for something that grows and allows you and your partner to become closer with each other, a situationship is a frustrating condition to be in. If you think that’s what you’ve gotten into, look for seven signs that indicate you may not be headed toward a long-term relationship with your current flame.
What Is a Situationship?
A situationship can refer to any romantic interactions with someone where there’s no actual committed relationship and no exclusivity. One example would be the period of time between meeting someone new who you start dating and the point where you two become exclusive and stop dating others. Another example would be when two people decide to casually date and maybe include sex, but they’re not seeing only each other and they aren’t referring to each other with labels like boyfriend and girlfriend. There’s no expectation that you or the other person will stop seeing others. It could be someone you date temporarily with no intention of making them a long-term part of your life.
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A situationship isn’t like a “friends with benefits” situation. That’s got a boundary that’s rather defined; you’re both aware that you’re not dating and are only remaining friends, despite the physical intimacy. It’s also not the same as being in polyamorous or open relationships as those also have better-defined boundaries around what’s acceptable and what’s not.Â
Are Situationships a Bad Sign?
Situationships aren’t bad if they’re consensual and both people involved know that they’re casual things that aren’t going to lead anywhere. They’re also not bad if they refer to that period of time early on in dating, when maybe both of you are hoping to find something long-term and exclusive but aren’t sure if the other person is the right one to commit to. That’s a natural part of the evolution of a relationship.
Where situationships go off the rails is when one person wants more commitment, but the other does not and wants to stay casual. The person who wants the commitment can feel unsatisfied because they won’t get the closeness they’d prefer. If you want commitment, you likely want to be more open emotionally, too, and you won’t get the support and reciprocity that you seek. It can leave you with an up-in-the-air feeling and leave you very confused about boundaries and what to do or expect.
What Are the Signs You’re in a Situationship?
Look for these signs to determine what’s going on with those dates.
1. It’s Early Days
Again, if you’ve been dating this person only a short time and haven’t talked about commitment or what the two of you want the relationship to be, you’re likely in a situationship. This isn’t necessarily bad, and you may even want to stay in the situationship phase a little longer as you get to know the person more.
2. You Don’t Really Go on Dates or Have Contact Outside Dates
If your dates don’t seem like actual dates, or if you don’t really have conversations outside those dates, you may be in a situationship. Even fairly casual relationships where the two people are still committed to each other include times that are easy to define as dates. In many cases, you have dates, but other than a quick call, email, or text to ask if you want to go somewhere, you have no outside communication with this person. That doesn’t show a lot of desire on the other person’s part to commit to you.
3. There’s No Real Intimacy Other Than Sex
Situationships aren’t always completely devoid of intimacy and can seem more like relationships than a friends-with-benefits situation, but the boundaries are so poor that you don’t feel like the two of you are really growing closer. They also don’t have to involve sex, but what closeness there seems to be does not leave you feeling very well-connected to this person, and the connection between you doesn’t seem to grow.
4. Your Plans Are Canceled a Lot
Sure, you could be dating an emergency room surgeon who’s constantly being called to a hospital; you’d have a lot of dates canceled even though you could be in a full-fledged relationship. But if you’re not dating someone whose life demands last-minute changes to plans, then having dates canceled a lot is a sign of a situationship. This is a sign that you’re not among the important people in their life, and that’s a sign you’re not going to get the commitment you want.
5. Your Date Has No Desire to Define the Relationship
If the person you’re dating has absolutely no desire to define the relationship any further or to consider exclusivity, you’re in a situationship. And if you want more commitment, this is a sign that there’s a basic incompatibility between you two.
6. You Still Haven’t Met Any Friends or Family Even After Dating for a Long Time
When you’re in a relationship, you have certain experiences that show the two of you are getting closer and, as psychologist Susan Albers told the Cleveland Clinic, are integrating more into each other’s lives. One of these is meeting the friends and family members of your partner and getting to know them. If you’ve been dating someone for a long time and still haven’t met these other people, that’s a hint that the person you’re dating doesn’t want you to be closer to their everyday life.
7. You Don’t Know Whether You’re “Seeing Anybody”
Picture this: You’re at a family gathering during the holidays, and as part of catching up, someone asks you if you’re seeing anybody. If you have no idea how to answer that question, you’re in a situationship. Face it; if you were in a committed relationship, or if you were single, you’d know what to say.
Are There Any Good Sides to Being in a Situationship?
Situationships aren’t all bad. In fact, they can be downright beneficial. If you meet someone on a dating app, you’re not going to know right away if you want them to be your committed significant other. The situationship phase of getting to know someone gives you time to decide if you want to see this person on a more regular basis, or if you want to cut ties with this person and never see them again. Many people like to take their time to learn more about who they’ve met, and a situationship is a good way to go about that.
You may find you prefer to be in a situationship at some point. Maybe you’re experimenting with how you want to arrange your dating life and the rest of your life, and having these non-committed situationships is easier for you. If that’s the case, just be sure you’re open about that when you start seeing someone so that they don’t think you’re looking for more.
And finally, situationships provide more romantic intimacy than friends-with-benefits without requiring the emotional commitment of a full relationship. Someone who’s just left a long-term relationship may find this to be exactly what they need when they want physical closeness but don’t want another relationship yet.
How Long Should You Let a Situationship Go On?
How long you continue to be in a situationship is basically up to you. If you can’t handle the indecision or just not knowing whether you’ll ever get a commitment out of this person, it’s time to end the situationship. If you’re ready to move forward but the other person doesn’t want to, if you begin to see red flags (such as finding hints that you’re actually the side piece in an affair), if you sense growing incompatibility, if you feel like you’re being used and played around with, or if you don’t like that this person is still dating others, it’s time to end the situationship.
How Do You Get Out of a Situationship?
In her interview with the Cleveland Clinic, Dr. Albers noted that ghosting and fading away out of a situationship is really common, but it’s better to tell the other person that you want to stop seeing them. Make it clear, and don’t leave the other person wondering why you won’t answer their texts.
If you haven’t had a talk about defining whether you’re in a relationship or not, that might be the best thing to do first; the worst that can happen is the other person says they don’t want to commit. (And hey, maybe they’ve been wondering about this, too. You never know until you ask.) If they totally don’t want to commit, that’s your cue to bow out and end the situationship. If they don’t want to commit just yet because you’re both still in the early days of seeing each other, though, you might want to give it a little more time and check again later. Remember, some people take longer to commit than others.
By the way, if you no longer want to be in the situationship, you can leave. You can’t force the other person to commit, but they can’t force you to continue being in limbo.
Situationships serve a purpose, but if they’re not what you’re looking for in the long term, then you need to rethink whether you want to keep meeting up with this person. That’s especially the case if you sense that they may actually be in another committed relationship or if you sense other red flags. If you start to notice that maybe they’re not as single as you thought, or you find other hints that all isn’t as it seems, check out their name in Spokeo’s People Search, and check out addresses and phone numbers in Spokeo’s Reverse Address Lookup and Reverse Phone Lookup. Your well-being comes first when you start to get involved with other people, and you want to be sure that whatever form this coupling will take is one you’re comfortable with.
Suzanne S. Wiley is an editor and web content writer. She has been editing since 1989 and began writing in 2009, covering topics such as environmental issues and health. Wiley has also written about gardening, food, and history.