Is My Mom’s New Boyfriend Scamming Her? Dealing With A Romance Scammer

Romance scams continue to proliferate, with scammers targeting more people than ever before – and often getting away with thousands of dollars and more.  Older people are particularly at risk for very specific reasons, and Lloyds Banking Group notes that in the U.K., at least, those ages 65 to 74 were most likely to be targeted.  U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) says most of these scams originate in countries like Nigeria and Ghana, but scammers can base themselves anywhere if their scams are online.  The targets are often lonely people; the New York Times noted that pandemic isolation saw a massive jump in romance scams as people desperate for connection took to dating apps and other services to find others to talk to.

Unfortunately, romance scams are among the hardest to deal with as not only do they really undermine your ability to trust others, but they’re also so “final” for many.  Law enforcement is often unable to get your money back, so you have to be vigilant to ensure you don’t fall prey.  And if you’ve got a parent or older relative who you think might be sinking into a scam relationship, you’ve got to take action.  Not only can these scams be financially and emotionally devastating, but legally destructive as well. The New York Times reported that one 81-year-old victim was convinced by her romance scammer to act as a money mule, which ended with her being charged with felonies and being sentenced to probation.  If your mother or another older person in your circle is the target of a romance scammer, take steps to protect them.

Why Are Older People Targeted So Much?

People of all ages can fall victim to different scams, but romance scams are a major problem for older adults, who tend to be more isolated as their adult children are out of the house, and their spouses are now either exes or are deceased.  Older adults tend to have fewer friends and aren’t part of an extended community; RBC Wealth Management says older women can be more vulnerable as they are more likely to be stressed from caregiving and also more likely to outlive partners.  That doesn’t mean men are targets; they frequently are.

Older adults are more likely to have wealth compared to younger generations, too.  USA Today reported that a 2023 study found that baby boomers had about 52.8 percent of the wealth in the U.S., while millennials had only 5.7 percent.  Dollar-wise, the silent generation had a total net worth of $18,476,066; boomers had a total net worth of $77,113,826; and Gen-Xers had a total net worth of $42,034,104.  Having access to so much money and equity in homes, especially if a spouse has just died, makes older people very attractive marks.

Those over 65 have access to Medicare, and that Medicare number can be an avenue for fraud.  Gaining someone’s Medicare number can allow a scammer to use that for identity theft, similar to how one might use a Social Security number to steal an identity and benefits.

The company Medical Guardian notes that pressure and knowledge may also be contributing factors.  While many older people stay up to date on the latest technologies, many others don’t.  That allows scammers to take advantage of them using things like AI deepfakes.  Older adults are less likely to report being scammed out of embarrassment, too, and out of a fear that their family will consider them incompetent and unable to remain independent.

Keep in mind these scams can pop up anywhere.  Your mom might not have social media or be on a dating app, but if she’s playing online games or involved with any other online platform that allows users to communicate with each other, she’s at risk of being contacted by a scammer.

Warning Signs That the New Romance Isn’t for Real

So, your mom (or dad, or other older friend or relative) has a new flame, and they met the flame online.  That doesn’t automatically mean the person is a scammer.  And if your parent or friend is incredibly happy with developments, that’s not a sign a scam is taking place, either. But there are clues that hint that whoever your parent mighh be talking to is not really who they say they are.  If you’re worried about that, it’s time to have a friendly conversation and find out more about what your parent knows about this person. Look for these signs:

• They seem like they’re trying to isolate your parent from the rest of the family, or make the parent not trust anyone else.
• They’re asking for money (even small amounts).
• They say they’re going to help your parent invest or grow their retirement funds, or that they want money to invest in something themselves.
• They love-bomb your parent, meaning they profess love early on, call them soulmates, and generally inundate your parent with what looks like romantic gestures and words.
• They’re cagey about their personal life or offer inconsistent stories and facts.  Scammers often work on several victims at once and often use different stories, so look for details that change or that seem inconsistent. 
• They either don’t let your parent meet their friends and family, or they let them meet only a few people who are likely associates of the scammer, posing as friends and family.  This assumes the “relationship” has been going on for months, remember, which is usually long enough for some family and friend introductions to occur.
• They seem perfect.  Too perfect.  No one’s that perfect.
• They quickly move communication (or ask to move communication) off the original platform to a more private method.  This is to dodge safeguards that many online platforms and apps have in place to spot scams.  If your parent’s new flame wants to move to communicating by email, for example, make sure your parent has a video chat with the person first, and look for signs that the video is a deepfake, which is another growing problem. 
• You hear your parent mention things like remortgaging the house, outside of a simple refinance during periods of low rates.  Even if it seems like just refinancing, you should double-check that the only reason they’re mentioning a mortgage is because they want lower rates.  Scammers convincing victims to remortgage houses and empty out retirement funds is unfortunately common.
• They keep canceling plans to see your parent in person and are reluctant to even hold a video chat.

Keep in mind that scammers can stay at it for months.  They’re willing to put in a lot of time if they think it will net them several thousand dollars or more.  They’ll act like caring people who remind your parents to take their scheduled medications and who seem like they’re encouraging your parent in positive ways.  Yes, someone truly in love with your parent would do the same – but they wouldn’t rush it, and they wouldn’t try to position themselves as the only person your parent could trust.  Scammers are wily, and you need to be careful when interacting with anyone.

How to Deal With Someone Under the Spell of a Scammer

If you’ve figured out that the person your parent has been talking to is a scammer, or if the scammer made off with money or committed ID theft, you’ve got a very delicate situation.  Never judge or scold the victim.  Romance scammers are very good at what they do, and the sheer amount of time and effort they put into seeming trustworthy could fool just about anyone who wasn’t specifically looking out for scams.  It’s also really embarrassing and frustrating to find you’re being victimized, so treat the victim of the scam gently because they’re likely berating themselves.

If your parent is still communicating with the scammer, gather examples of the scammer’s behavior as well as documentation on what goes into a romance scam.  Even if you just don’t feel right about a particular thing your parent said about the relationship, keep a record of it.  If you can get copies of emails or chat logs as evidence, those will help you identify patterns of behavior over time.  It’ll also help law enforcement if you end up having to call the police.

Before making any accusation, though, get ahold of the person’s photos – not just their face, but whatever they send to your parent — and put those through a reverse image finder program.  Scammers often use stock photos as well as stolen photos (it’s easy to download photos off most websites with a simple right-click of a mouse or trackpad), and you want to see if you find the photos with other names and locations.  Also run their name, address, and phone number through people-finding sites like Spokeo’s People Search, Reverse Address Lookup, and Reverse Phone Lookup.

If you have proof of fraud, you’ll also want to contact police and the Federal Trade Commission to file reports.  If your parent sent money to the scammers from their bank account or credit card, those companies may be able to help get the money back.  But many times, scammers ask for payment in forms that are difficult to cancel and refund.  The FTC has a list of steps to take depending on the payment method used. 

Practical Protection

In addition to the steps that the FTC advises and in addition to filing complaints with police and the FTC, there’s a lot more you can do to protect your parent:

• Go through their accounts and bills with them to look for suspicious transactions.
• Freeze their credit reports
• Clean up their credit report, such as fixing mistakes; ensuring those reports are accurate helps reduce the stress inherent in fighting potential ID theft.
• Have your parent change the passwords on their accounts and add two-factor authentication, if they gave the scammer any password or other identifying information.

If you don’t think they’re being scammed, that’s good, but if they’re starting to use dating apps, social media, and so on, it would be a very good idea to review the signs of a romance scam (and other types of scams) with them to ensure they aren’t looking at online interactions with rose-colored glasses.  Both you and they should look at ways to identify deepfake pictures and videos, too.  You may also want to create accounts on the social media platforms that they’re on, if you don’t have accounts already, so that you can see what information they’re sharing.  That lets you see if they’re sharing information that’s much too private.

If your parent is lonely, and you worry that they could fall prey to a romance scam, try to connect them with community resources.  Classes through a community college or a senior center could introduce them to new friends and give them the human connections they need.  If your parent is dealing with grief, help them find a counselor who can help them process the grief so that they aren’t as vulnerable to a sweet-talking stranger.

Your parents’ loving nature doesn’t have to lead to a letdown.  Protect your parents from romance scammers by remaining vigilant and staying involved in their lives.  Spokeo’s search engines help you identify who your parents are really communicating with and give you a fighting chance of ensuring that no one takes advantage of your mother, father, or anyone else.

Suzanne S. Wiley is an editor and web content writer.  She has been editing since 1989 and began writing in 2009, covering topics such as environmental issues and health.  Wiley has also written about gardening, food, and history.