If love is all you need, is there such a thing as too much of it? According to mental health experts – and plenty of real-world experiences – the answer is a resounding yes. And in many cases, that “too much of a good thing” is called love bombing.
So, what is love bombing? Shortly, it’s a form of emotional manipulation that involves a romantic interest going way, way above and beyond in their expressions of love. That might sound peachy at first, but like the thorns on love’s rose, love bombing often reveals romance’s dark side.
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What Is Love Bombing?
As the name implies, love bombing is when a romantic interest absolutely showers you with a barrage of expressions of love, dropping those romantic gestures like a deluge of affection bombs. Like love languages, those expressions can come in all kinds of different forms, but in love bombing, this romantic excess often occurs toward the beginning of a new relationship. And just as often, it can feel extremely overwhelming.
Of course, as human beings, we celebrate love. So, naturally, you might ask yourself, why is that so bad? And why do people do it? Speaking to Cleveland Clinic, psychologist Alaina Tiani, PhD, says, “Initially, you might feel safe, secure, and swept off your feet because grand gestures are a self-esteem boost and make you feel important and desired. But the love bomber’s ultimate goal is not just to seek love, but to gain control over someone else. Over time, those grand gestures are an effort to manipulate you and make you feel indebted to and dependent on them.”
In many cases, whether intentional or unintentional, consciously or subconsciously, with or without ulterior motives, love bombing is a form of emotional abuse, largely because it manipulates a partner’s feelings in a space of vulnerability. And oftentimes, it exploits their trust, too.
What to Look For
While it can manifest in all kinds of different ways (even love bombing has a love language), mental health experts have identified some telltale signs of this troubling tactic. Love bombing examples, or at the very least red flags, might include:
- An overabundance of verbal praise, compliments, flattery, romantic talk, or adulation.
- Excessive gift-giving, especially when the gifts are unwanted.
- Fast-tracking the relationship into serious territory too early and too fervently.
- Unreasonable demands on your time.
- Constant expressions of insecurity about your affection and a need for reassurance.
- A preference toward being alone with you (which may be a tactic to isolate you from friends, family, and community).
- The inability to take “no” for an answer (or to take a hint, for that matter).
- Consistently oversharing feelings toward the target of the love bombs.
It’s worth noting, too, that while love bombing is most associated with romantic relationships, friends and family can also be love bombers, though their conscious or unconscious motives might be a little different. No matter the love bombing examples, the end result of control remains a constant.
Love Bombing vs. the Real Thing
Let’s be clear: love bombing is a form of emotional abuse that relies on manipulation to elicit the desired results from its victims. Commonly, that desired result is being in a relationship with the love bomber (though it’s often leveraged in more sinister situations, as we’ll soon discuss). Of course, a relationship built on a foundation of manipulation, a lack of respect for boundaries, and pressure is not a healthy one. Rather, love bombing typically comes from a place of insecurity, over-dependence on others, or a lack of trust on the bomber’s side.
Love Bombing in Catfishing
Catfishing is when someone creates a false online persona in order to manipulate someone else, and it’s very often romantically coded. Though catfishers are sometimes just in it for the love of the game, more often than not, it’s a tactic used by scammers to extract valuable private information or money from their victims – in which case it’s called catphishing.
These long-form romance scams, also called romance baiting or pig butchering, typically draw victims in with a cold contact (a wrong number text or a random slide into the DMs, for instance), then groom victims with love bombing. Once that guard is down, scammers take the opportunity to shift toward the victim’s finances, whether through direct transfer or the valuable private information that’ll get them to your money. Maybe they have an emotional sob story that requires your monetary help, or maybe they just love you so much that they can’t wait to share a hot new crypto lead with you. In any case, these romance scammers use love bombing as a tool to get their victims in a vulnerable, trusting place where the trap might go unnoticed (or ignored).
Love Bombing FAQs
Love bombing is a complex topic that can give way to complicated feelings, so it’s only natural to have questions about it – and it’s always better to be curious than it is to get hurt. Now that we’ve got the most basic question (“what is love bombing?”) out of the way, here are some other common queries answered:
Is love bombing always bad? How do you know it’s love bombing? What is love bombing vs. real love?
Let’s group these three often-asked questions together, as they’re all sort of related. Of course, partners with genuinely noble and loving intentions can sometimes go overboard with affection in a purely innocent way. The most surefire way to determine if someone acting a little extra is maliciously love bombing you is also one of the pillars of a healthy relationship: communication.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by affection, tell that to your partner — voice your discomfort, and clearly express your boundaries to them. A mature partner who genuinely respects your feelings will respect those boundaries. That’s real love.
What are the stages of love bombing?
In many cases, love bombing plays out in three identifiable phases.
- The idealization phase is when all those love bombs drop, where the romance comes in hot, fast, and excessive. Psychologically speaking, this is where you let your guard down.
- The devaluation phase, in which they attempt to exert more control over you, like demanding more time, isolating you, gaslighting you, or even getting physically abusive. When confronted, the bomber often enters the third and final stage…
- The discard phase, in which they refuse accountability or end the relationship.
What does love bombing look like in text?
Many of the signs of love bombing can happen via text, not just the exaggerated flattery and praise. Early attempts to “lock down” the relationship in text (especially where those convos might be better had in person), lots of neediness in those chat bubbles, nonstop texts, and unreasonable expectations of engagement and availability can all be red flags.
What To Do When You’re a Victim
When love bombing is deployed as part of a romance scam, it’s a little easier to block and report at the first sign of a red flag. And in this case, a Spokeo People Search can help you determine if the person you’re talking to is who they claim to be at all, or if they’re out to catfish you with a romance scam.
On a more personal level, love bombing can be a difficult situation to navigate, especially as some love bombers will react poorly, or even abusively, when their abundant advances are turned down. Likewise, a relationship built from love bombing is more likely to end up in toxic territory. Navigating love bombing begins with recognizing the tactic itself, and then reclaiming control by setting boundaries, or, when those boundaries aren’t respected, finding a healthy, safe way out of a potentially toxic relationship. Friends and family can help, and if you have access to mental health care, a therapist can help even more, from identifying love bombing to navigating your exit to processing the fallout.
As Dr. Tiani puts it, “It’s important to recognize that it’s not likely you’re going to be able to change their behavior or make them treat you in the way you want to be treated. You might feel embarrassed that you fell for this person, but it’s important to remember that it is not your fault. Instead of blaming yourself, seek support from family and friends during that time.”
Sometimes, love hurts. But it shouldn’t have to.
As a freelance writer, small business owner, and consultant with more than a decade of experience, Dan has been fortunate enough to collaborate with leading brands including Microsoft, Fortune, Verizon, Discover, Office Depot, The Motley Fool, and more. He currently resides in Dallas, TX.