Society’s views on marriage are changing, with more and more younger Americans starting to see marriage as not as necessary to living a fulfilling life. Many Americans support cohabitation without marriage even though they still think marriage is important. Divorce is no longer a taboo subject, and with the divorce rate in the U.S. declining (but still relatively high with about half of first marriages ending in divorce), it seems like being in a marriage that’s headed for divorce is no longer that distressing.
That couldn’t be further from the truth. For many couples who’ve spent years together in marriage, trying to make it work, the idea of divorce is usually at least disappointing and sad, if not devastating. They’d prefer to fix what’s gone wrong rather than toss the whole marriage away, if only they knew how. If your marriage appears to be headed for a divorce lawyer’s office, you have a good chance of saving it if you take the right steps.
1. Want to Save Your Marriage? Have That Initial Conversation
You can’t think only about how much you’d like to save your marriage; you have to go talk to your spouse and start the process. Arrange a time to sit down and speak with your spouse about what’s going on, your feelings, what your spouse seems to be hinting at, what you’ve been thinking of doing, and what they might be thinking of doing. Let them know you really want to save the marriage and see how they feel about that.
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Keep in mind that if your spouse is uninterested in continuing the marriage, you won’t be able to force them to stay. Marriage is one of those things that requires both people to say yes to succeed. If your spouse appears unsure or is leaning toward leaving, don’t pressure them. In an interview with Woman’s Day, therapist Rachel Sussman says that pressuring can actually push your spouse away and make them more determined to leave. Backing off is advisable here, as painful as it might be for you.
One very important note is to never dismiss your spouse’s feelings or tell them that they’re overreacting, oversensitive, and so on. That behavior shows you aren’t respecting their views, which makes any attempt to avoid divorce much harder. You can disagree if you think their feelings or suspicions are unwarranted, but acknowledge their feelings and their right to have them. Do everything you can to stop knee-jerk reactions and approach this as an opportunity to work through the problem, rather than burying it.
2. Pinpoint What’s Making You Unhappy
If you’re the one who’s been thinking of leaving, you need to get specific about why you’re drifting away. Saving your marriage will be difficult if you can’t figure out what’s making you want to leave because you won’t know what really needs attention. For example, you may feel like there’s no communication in the marriage, but does that mean you and your spouse aren’t communicating at all, aren’t having the deep conversations you once had, or aren’t communicating equally, with one spouse tending to dominate conversations?
By the way, it’s crucial that you realize some reasons for drifting away are valid hints that you need to leave. For example, if your spouse continually puts you down, that’s emotionally abusive behavior, not a communication issue that you can fix. And there are a range of issues and behaviors that indicate a marriage really can’t be saved, from cheating to simply finding that priorities have changed in your life.
3. Start Having Regular Check-in Meetings
Many couples have periodic meetings to discuss household issues ranging from meal planning to progress on retirement goals. If you haven’t had these meetings before because you’ve assumed your spouse was taking care of a lot of these duties or because you assumed no changes were needed, start having these meetings weekly. Not being involved in running the household and not addressing issues as they appear creates huge distances between couples. Revisit household budgeting and how household labor is divided to ensure both of you are participating and in agreement over how everything is handled. You’ll have to compromise on a lot, so don’t aim to “get your way”; aim to ensure both of you are reasonably satisfied.
4. Set Aside Distractions to Deal With Problems That Arise
Whether it’s time for one of those weekly meetings or you’ve got a new problem to discuss, create time and space for these meetings where you’re not doing two things at once. Don’t discuss these things while you watch TV, for example, and make sure the kids are out of the house or asleep, if you have children. You both need an uninterrupted block of time to fully concentrate on the meeting. Plus, it’s disrespectful to your spouse to not pay full attention when you’ve acknowledged that these meetings are important. Don’t demand your spouse give you their attention now if they’re doing something else; find time when both of you can agree to put other things aside.
5. Start Working on Improvement
If you’ve identified behaviors of yours that you’ve agreed should be changed, start actually changing them. Maybe resentment built up because you weren’t handling any household chores, and you’ve said you’d take on some of what your spouse was doing. Maybe you’ve agreed to adjust your communication style. Now’s the time to stick to that agreement. It shows your spouse that you’re serious about keeping the marriage intact and holding up your end of any agreements, and that makes your marriage healthier in the long run.
6. Date Each Other Again
Whether or not the issue involves the romantic side of your relationship, try dating each other again. Create quality time where you can go out and do something, even if it’s just walking through a public rose garden or going out to dinner at a new restaurant. These are opportunities to bring a little more romance back into the relationship and remind you both of why you liked spending time with each other so much that you got married. Note that these don’t have to involve huge gestures or major surprises (unless that’s what you and your spouse both like). In fact, stay away from surprises for a while because unwanted surprises can make people uncomfortable and be seen as manipulative.
7. Go to Counseling
The value of therapy can’t be stated enough. You’ll benefit from having professional guidance as you navigate what could be a tense time, and you both need a third party to help you see your issues from a new perspective and to work through your feelings. The therapy can be in person or online; just be sure you both feel comfortable with whoever you see for couples therapy.
Learning how to save your marriage likely won’t be quick work, and it could be a while before you start to see genuine improvement. Be patient and calm, and don’t let the nervous part of your mind get the best of you. With the help of good therapists and a lot of mutual effort and patience, you could find your marriage headed in a much nicer direction.
Suzanne S. Wiley is an editor and web content writer. She has been editing since 1989 and began writing in 2009, covering topics such as environmental issues and health. Wiley has also written about gardening, food, and history.